Comedian

Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “Y’know, you can’t please all the people…”

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Comedian

W. C. Fields quote: “Women are like elephants. I like to…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “Whenever I think of the past, it…”

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Comedian

Elayne Boosler quote: “When women are depressed, they eat or…”

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Comedian

George Carlin quote: “When you step on the brakes…”

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Funny quotes

George Carlin quote: “When you’re born, you get a ticket…”

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Bob Hope

Bob Hope quote: “When we recall the past, we usually…”

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Bob Hope

Bob Hope quote: “When she started to play, Steinway came…”

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Comedian

George Carlin quote: “When someone is impatient and says, ‘I…”

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Comedian

George Carlin quote: “When Thomas Edison worked late into the…”

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Comedian

W. C. Fields quote: “When we have lost everything, including hope…”

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Funny quotes

Steven Wright quote: “When I die, I’m leaving my body to…”

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Comedian

Eddie Cantor quote: “When I see the Ten Most Wanted…”

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Funny quotes

Steven Wright quote: “When I was a kid, I went…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “When I was a little kid we…”

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Beauty & fashion quotes

Phyllis Diller quote: “Whatever you may look like, marry a…”

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Funny quotes

Steven Wright quote: “What’s another word for thesaurus?”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “What a nice night for an evening…”

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Comedian

George Carlin quote: “What does it mean to pre-board? Do…”

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Comedian

Phyllis Diller quote: “What I don’t like about office Christmas…”

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Comedian

Phyllis Diller quote: “We spend the first twelve months of…”

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Comedian

George Carlin quote: “Weather forecast for tonight: dark…”

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Comedian

George Carlin quote: “Well, if crime fighters fight crime and…”

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Celebrity quotes

Mel Brooks quote: “We rest our case on the production…”

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Celebrity quotes

Mel Brooks quote: “Tragedy is when I cut my finger…”

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Comedian

Phyllis Diller quote: “Tranquilizers work only if you follow the…”

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Comedian

Elayne Boosler quote: “To listen to your own silence is…”

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Comedian

Phyllis Diller quote: “There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are…”

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Comedian

George Carlin quote: “There’s no present. There’s only the immediate…”

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Comedian

Lewis Black quote: “There’s no such thing as soy milk…”

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