Comedian

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “So, do you live around here often?…”

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Bob Hope

Bob Hope quote: “She said she was approaching forty, and…”

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Comedian

W. C. Fields quote: “Show me a great actor and I’ll…”

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Comedian

W. C. Fields quote: “Set up another case bartender! The best…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “Right now I’m having, amnesia and…”

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Comedian

Lewis Black quote: “Republicans have nothing but bad ideas, and…”

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Celebrity quotes

Mel Brooks quote: “Rhetoric does not get you anywhere, because…”

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Comedian

W. C. Fields quote: “Remember, a dead fish can float downstream…”

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Comedian

W. C. Fields quote: “Reminds me of my safari in Africa…”

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Comedian

George Carlin quote: “People who say they don’t care what…”

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Bob Hope

Bob Hope quote: “People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy…”

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Comedian

Ellen DeGeneres quote: “People always ask me, ‘Were you funny…”

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Comedian

Phyllis Diller quote: “Our dog died from licking our wedding…”

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Funny quotes

George Carlin quote: “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor…”

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Comedian

Phyllis Diller quote: “Old age is when the liver spots…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “On the other hand, you have different…”

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Comedian

W. C. Fields quote: “On the whole, I’d rather be in…”

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Comedian

W. C. Fields quote: “Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to…”

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Comedian

W. C. Fields quote: “Now don’t say you can’t swear off…”

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Comedian

George Carlin quote: “Not only do I not know what’s…”

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Comedian

W. C. Fields quote: “Never try to impress a woman, because…”

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Comedian

W. C. Fields quote: “No doubt exists that all women are…”

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Comedian

W. C. Fields quote: “Never cry over spilt milk, because it…”

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Comedian

W. C. Fields quote: “Never give a sucker an even break…”

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Comedian

Phyllis Diller quote: “Never go to bed mad. Stay up…”

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Comedian

Phyllis Diller quote: “My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “My neighbor has a circular driveway…”

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Comedian

Phyllis Diller quote: “My photographs don’t do me justice —…”

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Comedian

Phyllis Diller quote: “My recipe for dealing with anger and…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “My roommate got a pet elephant. Then…”

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