Comedian

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I used to work in a fire…”

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Comedian

Phyllis Diller quote: “I want my children to have all…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I wanted to buy a candle holder…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I was a peripheral visionary. I could…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I think God’s going to come down…”

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John Candy quote: “I think I may have become an…”

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George Carlin quote: “I think it would be interesting if…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I think it’s wrong that only one…”

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George Carlin quote: “I think people should be allowed to…”

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John Candy quote: “I thought to myself, Join the army…”

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Mitch Hedberg quote: “I used to be a hot-tar roofer…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I replaced the headlights in my car…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I saw a bank that said 24-hour…”

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Mitch Hedberg quote: “I saw a human pyramid once. It…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I stayed in a really old hotel…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I poured spot remover on my dog…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I put instant coffee in a microwave…”

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Mitch Hedberg quote: “I recently took up ice sculpting. Last…”

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George Carlin quote: “I recently went to a new doctor…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I remember when the candle shop burned…”

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Mitch Hedberg quote: “I remixed a remix. It was back…”

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W. C. Fields quote: “I never met a kid I liked…”

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W. C. Fields quote: “I never vote for anyone. I always…”

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W. C. Fields quote: “I never worry about being driven to…”

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W. C. Fields quote: “I once spent a year in Philadelphia…”

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Celebrity quotes

Mel Brooks quote: “I only direct in self-defense…”

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Fred Allen quote: “I play a musical instrument a little…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I play the harmonica. The only way…”

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W. C. Fields quote: “I never drink water because of the…”

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