Funny quotes

Comedian

Fred Allen quote: “Radio is a bag of mediocrity where…”

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Comedian

Fred Allen quote: “My uncle is a Southern planter. He’s…”

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Comedian

Fred Allen quote: “My father never raised his hand to…”

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Comedian

Fred Allen quote: “Most of us spend the first six…”

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Comedian

Fred Allen quote: “Life, in my estimation, is a biological…”

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Comedian

Fred Allen quote: “It is probably not love that makes…”

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Fred Allen quote: “Imitation is the sincerest form of television…”

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Fred Allen quote: “If I could get my membership fee…”

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Comedian

Fred Allen quote: “I’d rather have a full bottle in…”

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Funny quotes

Abraham Lincoln quote: “If this is coffee, please bring me…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I think foosball is a combination of…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I once saw a forklift lift a…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I wish I could play little league…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I would imagine that if you could…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “Spaghetti… I can’t eat spaghetti, there’s too…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “The depressing thing about tennis is that…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “This shirt is dry clean only. Which means…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “My sister wanted to be an actress…”

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Animal & pet quotes

Mitch Hedberg quote: “People teach their dogs to sit; it’s…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “Rice is great if you’re really hungry…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “My belt holds my pants up, but…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “My fake plants died because I did…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “My friend asked me if I wanted…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “It’s very dangerous to wave to people…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “It’s weird… people say they’re not like…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m…”

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