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Funny quotes
Comedian
Steven Wright quote: “I think God’s going to come down…”
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Comedian
George Carlin quote: “I think it would be interesting if…”
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Comedian
Steven Wright quote: “I think it’s wrong that only one…”
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Comedian
George Carlin quote: “I think people should be allowed to…”
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Comedian
Mitch Hedberg quote: “I used to be a hot-tar roofer…”
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Comedian
Steven Wright quote: “I replaced the headlights in my car…”
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Comedian
Steven Wright quote: “I saw a bank that said 24-hour…”
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Comedian
Mitch Hedberg quote: “I saw a human pyramid once. It…”
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Comedian
Steven Wright quote: “I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but…”
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Comedian
Steven Wright quote: “I stayed in a really old hotel…”
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Comedian
Mitch Hedberg quote: “I recently took up ice sculpting. Last…”
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Comedian
George Carlin quote: “I recently went to a new doctor…”
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Comedian
Steven Wright quote: “I remember when the candle shop burned…”
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Comedian
Mitch Hedberg quote: “I remixed a remix. It was back…”
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Comedian
Steven Wright quote: “I poured spot remover on my dog…”
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Comedian
Steven Wright quote: “I put instant coffee in a microwave…”
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Comedian
Fred Allen quote: “I play a musical instrument a little…”
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Comedian
Steven Wright quote: “I play the harmonica. The only way…”
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Comedian
Steven Wright quote: “I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s…”
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Comedian
Mitch Hedberg quote: “I like refried beans. That’s why I…”
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Comedian
Mitch Hedberg quote: “I like to hold the microphone cord…”
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Comedian
Mitch Hedberg quote: “I like to play blackjack. I’m not…”
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Comedian
Steven Wright quote: “I like to reminisce with people I…”
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Comedian
Steven Wright quote: “I live on a one-way street that’s…”
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Funny quotes
Mitch Hedberg quote: “I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted…”
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Money quotes
Bob Hope quote: “I love to go to Washington —…”
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Comedian
Mitch Hedberg quote: “I know a lot about cars, man…”
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Comedian
Fred Allen quote: “I learned law so well, the day…”
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Comedian
Mitch Hedberg quote: “I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four…”
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Comedian
Fred Allen quote: “I like long walks, especially when they…”
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More quotables
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John Locke quote: “Things of this world are in so…”
Charles Kettering quote: “Problems are the price of progress. Don’t…”
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Frida Kahlo quote: “I love you more than my own…”