Funny quotes

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Steven Wright quote: “I think God’s going to come down…”

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George Carlin quote: “I think it would be interesting if…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I think it’s wrong that only one…”

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George Carlin quote: “I think people should be allowed to…”

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Mitch Hedberg quote: “I used to be a hot-tar roofer…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I replaced the headlights in my car…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I saw a bank that said 24-hour…”

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Mitch Hedberg quote: “I saw a human pyramid once. It…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I stayed in a really old hotel…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I poured spot remover on my dog…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I put instant coffee in a microwave…”

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Mitch Hedberg quote: “I recently took up ice sculpting. Last…”

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George Carlin quote: “I recently went to a new doctor…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I remember when the candle shop burned…”

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Mitch Hedberg quote: “I remixed a remix. It was back…”

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Fred Allen quote: “I play a musical instrument a little…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I play the harmonica. The only way…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s…”

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Mitch Hedberg quote: “I like refried beans. That’s why I…”

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Mitch Hedberg quote: “I like to hold the microphone cord…”

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Mitch Hedberg quote: “I like to play blackjack. I’m not…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I like to reminisce with people I…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I live on a one-way street that’s…”

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Funny quotes

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted…”

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Money quotes

Bob Hope quote: “I love to go to Washington —…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I installed a skylight in my apartment…..”

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Steven Wright quote: “I intend to live forever. So far…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I invented the cordless extension cord…”

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Mitch Hedberg quote: “I know a lot about cars, man…”

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