Funny quotes

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I think God’s going to come down…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

George Carlin quote: “I think it would be interesting if…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I think it’s wrong that only one…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

George Carlin quote: “I think people should be allowed to…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I used to be a hot-tar roofer…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I replaced the headlights in my car…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I saw a bank that said 24-hour…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I saw a human pyramid once. It…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I stayed in a really old hotel…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I recently took up ice sculpting. Last…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

George Carlin quote: “I recently went to a new doctor…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I remember when the candle shop burned…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I remixed a remix. It was back…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I poured spot remover on my dog…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I put instant coffee in a microwave…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Fred Allen quote: “I play a musical instrument a little…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I play the harmonica. The only way…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I like refried beans. That’s why I…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I like to hold the microphone cord…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I like to play blackjack. I’m not…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I like to reminisce with people I…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I live on a one-way street that’s…”

See more ⋙

Funny quotes

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted…”

See more ⋙

Money quotes

Bob Hope quote: “I love to go to Washington —…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I know a lot about cars, man…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Fred Allen quote: “I learned law so well, the day…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Fred Allen quote: “I like long walks, especially when they…”

See more ⋙