Comedian

Comedian

Fred Allen quote: “I have just returned from Boston. It…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I had a friend who was a…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I had a stick of CareFree gum…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I had some eyeglasses. I was walking…”

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Comedian

W. C. Fields quote: “I drink therefore I am…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I drive way too fast to worry…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I got a chain letter by fax…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I got this powdered water — now…”

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Bob Hope

Bob Hope quote: “I grew up with six brothers. That’s…”

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Comedian

Fred Allen quote: “I don’t want to own anything that…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I drank some boiling water because I…”

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Celebrity quotes

Mel Brooks quote: “I don’t believe in this business of…”

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Bob Hope

Bob Hope quote: “I don’t feel old. I don’t feel…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I don’t have a girlfriend. But I…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I bought some instant water one time…”

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Comedian

Phyllis Diller quote: “I buried a lot of my ironing…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I busted a mirror and got seven…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I can whistle with my fingers, especially…”

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Comedian

Fred Allen quote: “I can’t understand why a person will…”

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Comedian

W. C. Fields quote: “I cook with wine, sometimes I even…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I bought a seven-dollar pen because I…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I bought some batteries, but they weren’t…”

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Celebrity quotes

Ellen DeGeneres quote: “I ask people why they have deer…”

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Comedian

Phyllis Diller quote: “I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk…”

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Comedian

W. C. Fields quote: “I am an expert of electricity. My…”

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Comedian

W. C. Fields quote: “I am free of all prejudices. I…”

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Comedian

George Carlin quote: “I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence…”

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Quotes about getting older

Steven Wright quote: “How young can you die of old age?”

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Celebrity quotes

Mel Brooks quote: “Humor is just another defense against the…”

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Comedian

Fred Allen quote: “I always have trouble remembering three things:…”

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