Funny quotes

Comedian

Ellen DeGeneres quote: “My grandmother started walking five miles a…”

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Work quotes

George Carlin quote: “Most people work just hard enough…”

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Comedian

George Carlin quote: “May the forces of evil become confused…”

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Steven Wright quote: “Last night I stayed up late playing…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “Last year I went fishing with Salvador…”

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Comedian

George Carlin quote: “Just cause you got the monkey off…”

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Celebrity quotes

Ellen DeGeneres quote: “Just go up to somebody on the…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “It doesn’t matter what temperature the room…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “Is it weird in here, or is…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “In Vegas, I got into a long…”

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Comedian

George Carlin quote: “Inside every cynical person, there is a…”

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Comedian

George Carlin quote: “In comic strips, the person on the…”

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Celebrity quotes

Ellen DeGeneres quote: “In the beginning there was nothing. God…”

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Comedian

George Carlin quote: “I’m not concerned about all hell breaking…”

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Celebrity quotes

Ellen DeGeneres quote: “I’m on the patch right now. Where…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography…”

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Comedian

George Carlin quote: “I’m always relieved when someone is delivering…”

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Comedian

George Carlin quote: “I’m completely in favor of the separation…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “If you were going to shoot a…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I’m a heroine addict. I need to…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “If you saw a heat wave, would…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “If you shoot at mimes, should you…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “If you tell a joke in the…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “If you are in a spaceship that…”

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Comedian

George Carlin quote: “If you can’t beat them, arrange to…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “If you can’t hear me, it’s because…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “If you had a million Shakespeares, could…”

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