Funny quotes

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “If it’s a penny for your thoughts…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

George Carlin quote: “If it’s true that our species is…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “If a word in the dictionary were…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “If God dropped acid, would he see…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “If I had nine of my fingers…”

See more ⋙

Funny quotes

Don Marquis quote: “I would rather start a family than…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I wrote a few children’s books… not…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I’d like to get four people who…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I wish my name was Brian, because…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

George Carlin quote: “I would never want to be a…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I went down the street to the…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

George Carlin quote: “I went to a bookstore and asked…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I went to a general store. They…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I went to a restaurant that serves…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I went to the bank and asked…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I went to the museum where they…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

George Carlin quote: “I was thinking about how people seem…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I was trying to daydream, but my…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I was walking down the street wearing…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I watched the Indy 500, and I…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I wear a necklace, cause I wanna…”

See more ⋙

Celebrity quotes

Ellen DeGeneres quote: “I was coming home from kindergarten…”

See more ⋙

Celebrity quotes

Ellen DeGeneres quote: “I was raised around heterosexuals, as all…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I was reading the dictionary. I thought…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I used to work in a fire…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I wanted to buy a candle holder…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I was a peripheral visionary. I could…”

See more ⋙

Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I was at this casino…”

See more ⋙