Funny quotes

Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “If it’s a penny for your thoughts…”

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Comedian

George Carlin quote: “If it’s true that our species is…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “If a word in the dictionary were…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “If God dropped acid, would he see…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “If I had nine of my fingers…”

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Funny quotes

Don Marquis quote: “I would rather start a family than…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I wrote a few children’s books… not…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I’d like to get four people who…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I wish my name was Brian, because…”

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Comedian

George Carlin quote: “I would never want to be a…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I went to the museum where they…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I went down the street to the…”

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Comedian

George Carlin quote: “I went to a bookstore and asked…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I went to a general store. They…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I went to a restaurant that serves…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I went to the bank and asked…”

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Celebrity quotes

Ellen DeGeneres quote: “I was coming home from kindergarten…”

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Celebrity quotes

Ellen DeGeneres quote: “I was raised around heterosexuals, as all…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I was reading the dictionary. I thought…”

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Comedian

George Carlin quote: “I was thinking about how people seem…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I was trying to daydream, but my…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I was walking down the street wearing…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I watched the Indy 500, and I…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I wear a necklace, cause I wanna…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I wanted to buy a candle holder…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I was a peripheral visionary. I could…”

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Comedian

Mitch Hedberg quote: “I was at this casino…”

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Comedian

Steven Wright quote: “I used to work in a fire…”

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