Funny quotes

Comedian

Fred Allen quote: “I learned law so well, the day…”

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Mitch Hedberg quote: “I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four…”

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Fred Allen quote: “I like long walks, especially when they…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I have the world’s largest collection of…”

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Mitch Hedberg quote: “I haven’t slept for ten days, because…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I hooked up my accelerator pedal in…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I had to stop driving my car…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I have an answering machine in my…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I have an existential map. It has…”

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George Carlin quote: “I have as much authority as the…”

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Fred Allen quote: “I have just returned from Boston. It…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I drive way too fast to worry…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I got a chain letter by fax…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I got this powdered water — now…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I had a friend who was a…”

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Mitch Hedberg quote: “I had a stick of CareFree gum…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I had some eyeglasses. I was walking…”

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Fred Allen quote: “I don’t want to own anything that…”

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Mitch Hedberg quote: “I drank some boiling water because I…”

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Mitch Hedberg quote: “I don’t have a girlfriend. But I…”

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Mitch Hedberg quote: “I bought a seven-dollar pen because I…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I bought some batteries, but they weren’t…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I bought some instant water one time…”

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Steven Wright quote: “I busted a mirror and got seven…”

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Mitch Hedberg quote: “I can whistle with my fingers, especially…”

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Fred Allen quote: “I can’t understand why a person will…”

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Celebrity quotes

Ellen DeGeneres quote: “I ask people why they have deer…”

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George Carlin quote: “I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence…”

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Quotes about getting older

Steven Wright quote: “How young can you die of old age?”

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Fred Allen quote: “I always have trouble remembering three things:…”

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